anon · 1mo
(this is a little long sorry so feel free to ignore if you don’t have the energy to read it)
i had the same feelings about comments in another fandom like it was all good comments but it was too much i wasn’t expecting so much so the expectations crushed me and i hated how people would say stuff implying that even if it’s bad they’ll love it cos it’s mine?
i struggled to write cos of it and in the end i put out a chapter that i know was literally not good at all the writing was stiff the pacing was awful the actual content was boring and didn’t further the plot it was literally objectively a chore to read but people still praised it so ridiculously highly that it killed my trust that any of it is genuine lol im not someone who’s ‘overly’ critical of my work, im not a brilliant writer but i consider my writing ‘amateur doing-it-for-fun’ level good if i have fun writing it and can enjoy reading it back myself
i actually took it so badly that in the end it made such a bad block that i stopped writing at all for a couple years. i saw ONE person saying (not to me, just a stranger to their friend on twt) that the chapter was bad and boring and felt so validated that i felt like i could finally breathe lmao
now i don’t let myself look at stats or comments at all and i feel loads better tbh. pretend im posting into the void. (i don’t actually turn my comments off because if i read something and want to comment or read other comments i get a little sad if they’re off but only keep them on cos im confident i can 100% resist looking)
i tried also telling my friends i’d prefer if their comments were not exaggerated hype and that they also say what they didn’t like about something but i felt like this seemed weird to them and made them uncomfortable so in the end i told them actually just please don’t even tell me if you read it! this way i don’t feel like 1 they’re reading it cos they feel like they have to 2 they’re only saying nice things because we’re friends and 3 if it’s not their taste or they never even get round to it then it can’t hurt my feelings lmao (which equally takes pressure off them to read and comment)
my ability to write freely has very dramatically improved like i’ve wrote a little over 40k the past couple months since then and it might not be perfect but i actually do not care plus it’s definitely better quality than when i was trying to force myself through it. it also makes me feel free to experiment with my writing and do stuff i otherwise wouldn’t have even tried
oh gosh, honey. this is... i don't think you realise how much i needed to read this. i'm just so thankful you decided to share your experience with me because it just resonated with me so much, and after a while of me battling with myself for feeling like i'm being overdramatic about this, it's nice to know someone understands.
it's not nice, however, to know that you went through this. gosh. it's a horrible mixture of a bad pressuring environment and very, very perfect rich soil in our brains i guess lmao. and it pains me to know that it reached a point for you where it stopped you for writing for so long! i hope that doing these steps now has been helping you enjoy it a little more now, and feel less pressure. i have good self control i think, but i'm not sure i would stick to not reading comments or checking stats. i'm still a little too anxious and require some reassurance from time to time. it's the same for me with not being a harsh critic of myself, but still, sometimes the good ol' fella (my brain) is my worst enemy lol.
i also relate so much about the thing with asking your friends not to tell you if they've read your stuff. i've driven myself up the wall many times just thinking about this, and it's the worst kind of pressure for me honestly. i appreciate it so much when someone says something kind to me about what i've written, but i hate the doubt that comes with it about its sincerity, and the guilt that follows about doubting your friends. and so on and so on...
again, i thank you so much for sending this. i really needed to hear this i think :') i've been feeling pretty bad mentally lately and i know it's a big reason why i've been struggling with writing more than usual. and i've considered making some changes to combat that (some of them very drastic lmao) and i just don't want to make such a decision while i'm at such a bad state. so i will just...let it marinate for a while. and come back to your words when i need to :') thank you so much for this darling. i hope you're enjoying the process or writing and feeling more freedom with it now<3
