anon · 1mo
i keep bouncing between “i can write what i want! what anyone thinks of it isn’t what’s important” and “even if i write well im not actually good enough or consistent enough that anyone would genuinely care about it so why should i bother writing at all” and “i actually enjoy writing so im going to KEEP writing just for myself but even though any story is always going to have at least /someone/ who does genuinely love it, i don’t want to share mine with people who would just think ‘that was ok i guess but not good enough to engage in any way’ so i just won’t post it at all” not out of spite because i think i’m somehow ‘punishing’ people for not giving enough engagement, i just have severe rejection sensitivity and a real actual phobia of being noticed/seen 😂🔫 if only 1 person would really actually like it that’d be fine if only i could somehow make that the only person it’s even visible to lol
and then occasionally im like “ok actually im feeling good about this one so maybe i will post it after all gets praises for it wow somehow this feels worse……but also it’s not good enough that most of these people liked it enough to even kudos so how many of these people commenting are doing it just because it’s the nice thing to do..?”
and im neurotic I KNOW but like i wish ao3 had a filter that knew who to allow to see it and who not to bother showing it to lmao 🤣🥲
oh honey. this was so painful and so relatable to read. it's like you're describing my recent thoughts exactly lol. if you can get a look into some of my messages with friends it just sounds like i'm on the verge of either deleting my account and going off the grid, OR posting all my wips without a second thought because fuck it lol.
in all honesty though, i think many people go through similar thoughts and doubts. it's the ordeal of being known i guess lol. i'm not exactly sure i can give you the best advice on how to deal with it (since, like i said, i'm currently going through something very similar) but i can say it's definitely worth it to share your stories, and yes, even if it gets little interaction and even if it's not the best piece of literature to ever exist. (please keep in mind that it's veryyy doubtful that any fic writers considers their fics to be the epitome of literature, and it's also very doubtful that fic readers grade the fics they read like that as well! i've read this somewhere and i like to remind myself of it sometimes: it's not a competition, it's an open buffet. more good fics is purely more good fics! the existence of good fics doesn't mean other fics lose their value or drop down to second place!) and of course, consuming and liking fiction is entirely subjective! so yes, i can assure you someone will read and absolutely love the fic you write!
one last thing i wanna mention which has been keeping me going and stopping me from actually deleting everything<3 is having good friends who stop you from doing stupid shit lmao. i'm not saying that choosing this is stupid, but choosing something as drastic as giving up writing or deleting your account or whatever, should not be made while you're in a moment of frustration, and having friends who remind you of the light at the end of the tunnel or whatever lol, certainly helps in moving past these moments of frustration so that you can make whatever decision you want to make with a clear head! that's what i consider the most important thing.
i fully support you no matter what you wish to do!!!! this IS a fun hobby after all, even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it. just, at least, try to make it fun for You as much as you can!
