Well, obviously there are no such things as ‘conspiracy theories’. I mean, who could possibly dream up something as absurd as lizard people selling cupboards through a well-known furniture retailer’s website that get delivered to your door with a ready-to-suck-the-blood-out-of child inside? And who would believe that Disney was just a front for paedophiles to get their hands on juicy youngsters if it wasn’t all true? Good old Uncle Walt wasn’t just any old anti-communist, racist, anti-Semitic, raging mysogynist. Oh, no! (Okay, that part might be true.) Did you know he set up his entire company as a giant conveyor belt of tender young flesh for his cronies to get their greasy hands on - one that still chugs along nicely today? I bet you didn’t! And who would doubt that our orange lord and master wasn’t anything other than THE MAN sent by god herself to root out and put an end to those nasty paedos ordering cupboards online and booking trips to Disneyland! The Storm’s a coming, my friends! Just you wait! Okay, you’ve waited four years, but any day now!