There’s a theory (I forget the name) said that people’s action or decision is driven by 3 (three) “realms” of mind: conscious, subconscious, and unconscious. Conscious is when you’re fully aware of it (e.g. speaking to someone), subconscious is when you’re half-aware (e.g. your reaction towards a certain condition), while unconscious is when you’re fully NOT aware of it (e.g. me having a disorganized attachment style). Those three “realms” of mind are astute to explain why human is so complex. One same treatment and environment can “produce” two or many different reaction, so, I avoid myself from generalizing people based on their astrology, MBTI, etc. I lean more towards more specific personality identification such as attachment styles. We all have to agree that being a therapist is indeed draining to sort people’s complicated behaviors out. So, good luck for you, Anon. I hope the more you know people, the less judgemental you are. ☺️

FWA? I’m confident to say I’ve gotten more than enough affection, so I’m not really into FWA/FWB. No matter how firm the boundaries, don’t they (who do FWA/FWB) use feeling too when they do their business—even if the feeling is just a glimpse? My life is already full of uncertainty, I’m not going to add one more uncertainty by doing FWA/FWB. However, I still thank you for recommending me to do that!

It was a joke, haha. One of his specialization is treating trauma, so he “prefers” treating people with trauma. If there’s a patient coming to him and they’re suffering from specific mental issues without any trauma, it’s likely that he would suggest the patient to get treated by another excellent psychiatrist. It’s not a mere personal preference actually, it’s his specialization.

He’s so popular, the queue is exceptionally long, I even need to wait for almost 2 months to meet him after the day I booked an appointment. So, it’s understandable if he “prefers” treating patients based on his specialization. Trauma can be “treated” by medicines, but it can’t be “cured” only by medicines. Trauma isn’t about forgetting the past, so the therapy is aimed to make the patient feel at ease whenever they talk about their past. It’s about detaching the emotions in your heart.

Someone with integrity. Someone with high critical thinking and knows how to conclude informations they acquire correctly or not explain their raw assumptions. Someone who won’t give me silent treatment when we’re getting into argument. Someone who has clear and rational life visions about what they want to achieve in the next year, 5 years, 10 years, and so on. Someone with the same emotional maturity. Someone who is not easily controlled by their emotions. Someone who won’t insinuate me in public when we’re in quarrel. Someone who knows priority scale so they don’t waste time, money, and energy for something that is less important thus making the actual top priority is overlooked. Someone who is aware and well-informed about current issues. Someone who doesn’t take advantage of my selflessness. Someone who can take my criticism rationally as well as I’m open to be criticized by them.

And what holds weight the most: someone who is kind not only to me and their closest ones, but also to people they meet on the streets because being kind to people who are kind to them already is not something I consider extraordinary.

I’m willing to bleed myself dry for them, you can ask my close friends how devoted I was to my past lovers/crushes, so why would I settle for less which, in the end, will only make me regret wasting my time with them? Breakup sucks, but making me have to deal with commitment issues after parting ways is a sin I won’t forgive until my very last breath, and even God won’t bless them His mercy before I, me, my own self, sincerely pardon them in afterlife.

I’m too stunned to speak and reciprocate your response with the same length as yours. I’m… too overwhelmed due to the feeling that this is so heartwarming. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

To answer your question about the difficulty I’ve been dealing with, I’m still struggling to stop regretting the past I had with my ex because I was the one who started it all. I didn’t want to say all the form of “loving” I tried to convey were investment, but I couldn’t help myself from thinking as if it was, well, since our breakup felt like hundreds of hands punching my chest that it created a wide hole on it, I keep on thinking what I’d given to her was all worth-for-nothing. Yes, I’m very aware that I will fall in love again deeply and madly, which I did after that, but there’s something which is still not clear enough as to why I tend to do “push-and-pull” to the people who came after that “devastating moment”.

Heh. It ain’t a big deal, nevertheless. The moment I broke up with her, so many glorious things happened to my life. I got invited to participate in an event where a lot of elites gathered from Sabang to Merauke (I saw President Jokowi with my own eyes in formal occasion, although it wasn’t close enough due to the protocols), I passed the comprehensive test for my job as the best participant, I met great people who had light heart and taught me a lot about life, I read a lot of “heavy” books that I now am able to analyze implementations of some public policy as well as enhanced my knowledge and wisdom, and many more.

So, everything is still under my control right now. I somehow feel I can be my true self when I’m not with her because I’ve stopped suppressing my emotions. 😁

As a matter of fact, I thought I was not really a person who fancied words of affirmation, but apparently I just discovered recently that I need one that’s truly felt as if we’ve known each other for ages — one that when I read it, I know the person’s not giving empty and “template” reassurance. And I could vividly feel it as I finished reading this from you. Whoever you are, I hope the universe will always treat you with mercy and bless (doa anak yatim yang dijahatin mulu bakal dijabah, they said.)