I use GNOME Authenticator

I retrieve a key on some random nfc card, the location of which is disclosed to me on my phone, i then have to physically travel there and scan it

Ritual sacrifices in the name of whatever website I'm logging into

I only ever used TOTP and SMS. I guess TOTP between the two. I don't know how nice a FIDO key would be but I wanna try it.

totp

2FA app with a push notification, so long as I am not locked in to one proprietary app.

TOTP. Simple in concept and easy enough to implement. Well supported.

An open-source authenticator app like andOTP, or (and this is a very distant second preference) a text message if that isn't an option.

TOTP

IETF RFC 6238 or literally perish

carrier pigeon with a printed-out captcha