dear my child version, how is it? i bet you're having much fun to have a lot of people around you. you live in a life that everyone could ever dreamed of. very much a spoiled kid i would say. but guess what? you need to prepare for the worst. you will face a lot of challenges that you could never talk about it to anyone, including your closest friends or even family. it will be just you, alone, in this crowded world. unfair, isn't it? i know that you can't bear being alone back then but trust me, the older version of you prefers to be alone. do every hobbies that you love and don't you ever give up on it because the 19 years old version of you is regretting a heaps of it. all of the things that you dreamed about, no. i didn't manage to accomplished it for you due to a few conflicts in life and i hope you will not bawl your eyes out after hearing this news. i know it's disappointing and i'm sorry for only bringing you bad news because that is what it is. what you have right now, you will have less in the future. you will no longer romanticize your life anymore and thinking that every of your birthdays are valued, no. sorry. sorry... i feel like i didn't do much for you. you can punch me however you like. but i don't want you to give up just like that. see? i want you to be kind to everyone. i want you to live in the moment because you will never experience it again in the future. i know you wished for a better future, but the future now is dreary. so... keep on holding on for me, will you? for i will gift you a better future, promise. please hold up my promise this time for i won't disappoint you for the second time! now, i fear that you have some after school courses that you need to take. goodbye and goodluck on your courses!

something i love about myself is that i don't get affected by others that much, but it doesn't mean that i'm good at handling with hates and criticism. by this, i mean that whatever people might say about me that i know it well it's not true, i will not get too absorbed with it. the version of me in my eyes and in other people's eyes might be different, and i totally understand that! next thing that i love about myself is that i am quite strong to deal with my own problems, and maybe the reason why i don't ask for help often. i might seem like i have a fragile heart, though it's partly true, but there's still a lot of unsaid wounds that i could handle it all by myself until today, which marks that i'm quite strong for dealing with it alone! i am also satisfied with the person i am now and the person i will become soon. i believe that every of my actions in the present could affect the future so i will always try my best to give them kindness, then i will give myself some kindness as well. another thing is that i apologize for the person i'm becoming in the past because i realize if i could turn back time, i will be doing it again and again. so, instead i blame myself from doing this and that, i accept the person i was in the past. the last thing i love about myself is that i stopped caring for a person that doesn't even valued me as a person. i would never settle for someone who always underestimates me because i know that i matter, and i deserve to be treated better than this. i care less for people who does the same to me and i embrace the ones that makes me feel like i'm loved and valued. probably the reason why i'm still alive until this second <3

there is a lot of it i supposed, but the only thing that keeps me on repeat whenever the noises invades my head is: unfair - the neighbourhood. there's no specific meaning to it, but when the instrumental starts to kick in, i feel like it bangs my head and it keeps on inserting things that made me feel life is unfair. i will always feel so uneasy while listening to it, letting all of my tears out, and most importantly, i feel more empty after the song ends. that's why this song is painfully beautiful for me. it punches me, throws me into the cliff but i survive after it all ends. as much as what the title says, i always listen to it whenever i feel like life is unfair

so far, it's getting better and i didn't expect it to be this quick. it's weird how i no longer have any sadness in me like how i used to, which is why it's hard for me to write something because mostly i write out of sadness, but it's a good thing, right? i feel happy to prove my past self that i'm able to reach this stage. i stopped comparing myself to other people and focus on what's in me and what's left for me to improve myself as a person. i feel like finally the time has finally come to me, the unexpected happiness that could arrive this fast. i am happy to be myself and to be the person i'm becoming. i surround myself with the goods and give myself some distance to what's bad for me. for today, i feel more than okay, but let's see what will the future holds. let's see how much the world would face me with. let's see how much i could bear it by myself. let's see if i'm able to survive once again. <3

i dare say that i'm not close to being happy with myself, but compared with who i was in the past, i am indeed happier than before. there are days when i feel like this happiness would last forever, when it actually don't. however, i'd say that we are never be forever happy. even the most noble billionaire person ever, i assumed there would be a day when they feel like crying. those feelings are available in order for us to understand and embrace our emotions well. without having a painful experience, we would never know how to deal with it even when it hurts our fragile soul. through shouts, feeling content, under the weather, we are living well as a human being. there's still a lot of regrets in me in the present and in the past for leaving people who genuinely care for me. it haunts me and it still do. even when i'm living happily now, but there are times when i could recall the memories. as much as i'm happy, there would be sadness haunting me from behind, but it exist to balance our emotion. being too happy could leads us to have a superiority complex without humbling ourselves to see the people who helped us reach this point. through sadness, i could fix myself in the present. i am here as a form of the wounds that scratched me in the past. if we never experience sadness, i bet we would never be grateful for being happy even if it's limited. therefore i'm still in the process of healing, seeking for a day longer happiness, and being satisfied with who i am today. the day will come as i promise this to myself every night!

here's to one of my favorite lines in a book i read in the past:
to get food unstuck from a frying pan,
just pour water in the pan and wait.
after a while the food loosens on it's own.
don't struggle to heal your wounds.
just pour time into your heart and wait
when your wounds are ready,
they will heal on their own.

i've been missing you like crazy as well, emily! in fact i do expect we would somehow cross each other's path once again but i didn't expect it to be like this (and i'm not even complaining here)!!! as much as you feel like you broke your promises, the same goes to me knowing that my replies will never be as sincere and heartwarming as yours. so, are we equal now? i bet it is! never do i thought on being a stranger to you as i'm always here. things unsaid could always be said at anytime so since we do have a lot of time, it could be said by the time you're ready! remember when i used to say: "i hope that no matter what problem you have, when your comrades or even your kindreds couldn't offer you a helping hand, well I'm here offering you a place to vent as always!" this offer will always be available until anytime, for you only. any simple hi or long stories i will accept, even when you feel like disappearing or losing a bunch of energy to reply my text. it's all fine for me! i'm glad that we somehow meet each other again after quite a long time as i've been reading our old conversations ever since, our beautifully written life update paragraphs. thank you for helping me during my worst in the past, thank you for leaving me a hello at first, thank you for guiding me with the light, and i will never stop showing my gratitude to you until anytime, my long-lost twin bear! here's to the first heart i offer to someone on my retrospring: <3

one thing for sure is that i want my pen name, "esly" to be big! like, i want everyone to know that i'm esly behind everything i created since i use that name everywhere! if you see any eslys out there, it might be me! and also because i dreamed about being a graphic designer, i think i said this elsewhere but i want to be a designer that could influence other people. you could say that i was being influenced by a lot of people and it made me think that i want to be one when i grow up. i want to be loved by my works, my writings, my talent, everything. i would like to be a person that everyone looks up to. i want to encourage people through my words. i want to help the society and for those in need. i also want to work on a company where i could enjoy myself. i want to prove to a lot of people that i can do it. i like to challenge myself, so, if the opportunity is given, i'd like to seize it! i may have small body, but my dream is big. farrr big! and i hope that all of my hard works will be payed off soon!