the only sensible answer is shoving it up your arse i fear

Oh, you know :3

I would be a wingman and help it get with other safety cones.

place it on the wall

Direct traffic in funny shapes. Imagine if all cars formed a dong.

wear it like a hat

I'd put it along the curb where the neighbors always try to steal our parking spot :(

put it in the middle of an intersection, then put on a windbreaker and stand there directing traffic for no reason and telling people where they are allowed to go, and they will obey, bootlickers SMH

Use it as a giant funnel or a vuvuzela for world cup purposes

You have one week to place that traffic cone somewhere sensible.