The place I was working last Christmas did secret santa. I didn't really know the person I got very well. Someone told me she liked bright colors and fantasy themes. They were like, "she's a huge Harry Potter fan... get her anything Harry Potter and she'll love it!" And I was like LMFAO, no. So I made her a rainbow hat and some fingerless gloves that were also rainbow, but they looked like dragon scales. She never spoke to me, so idk how well that went over.

Brazil, is the thing I always say.

Watching white people from this time period "try to help" is often physically painful.

Don't have a house, and don't want one. Houses suck. Lawn mowers are crazy expensive, and then I have to mow that shit for FREE? Nah.

Ripping out hair and then immediately gluing some shit to irritated skin? In this home? Just get a tattoo, show some commitment.

Forehead. I have a fivehead with a high ass hairline that demands to be the center of attention. Meanwhile, my arms are just kinda there, trying to mind their own business, not tying to make today all about them.

Hey Google, does licking the moss on stones count as a source of protein

Not to the person who has to deliver it.

It's annoying how reality is a nightmare hellscape tbh

Sick of the dancing, sick of the chanting. Sick of the nikes, sick of the kool-aid.

If everyone's into it, all right. Don't like it when it's forcing the kids to pretend to have #Christmasmagic.

Did Elon Musk Tweet that his head looks like those thumb guys from Spy Kids? Because then he'd finally shock me by doing something I didn't already know he was going to do, and by saying something that is deeply true.

Whenever I'm just eating fresh vegetables like the barebreast contess, I like to experience the earth's gift unaltered. So it's only unpeeled, uncooked, and uncut potatoes and carrots for me. And I try not to chew, because chewing isn't organic. If god intended my food to be easier to swallow, then he would have made it all mush in the first place. Tired of people straying from god's plan.

"In case I don't see you again..."

A leprechaun's gold, clouds, drywall