He's unpredictable, sometimes he's great, sometimes he's just sort of a nightmare to interact with. He's funny, and when he likes something I like it feels really rewarding to share it with him. I think these days he generally does the best he can. I also think he has undiagnosed BPD. He doesn't believe in mental healthcare, so we'll never know. There was always a total lack of stability when we were kids, and it just felt like we were on our own, and I don't think he could help it or was really aware of it. He's also unwell physically, and I worry all the time about losing him. I wish he'd take better care of himself. He's smelled constantly like alcohol since I was about 4, but I didn't know what that smell was then. He's always had a sad life, he's always been a sad person, and I've never known how to help him, but I've always wanted to.

Kinda recently my dad was joking around and he said, "if you've never known your father then you've never known the stupidest asshole alive, who thinks he's the smartest asshole alive."