hey gurl heyyy
- I hate to disappoint some of y’all who are fans of gay kenny ships, but I hc kenny as straight 😅 idk he just is so entranced by women’s bodies throughout the whole show, and like his version of heaven that we see in tfbw is full of gorgeous, big-tiddied voluptuous ladies. I think he deserves to be in a relationship with a woman who loves and understands him (even though no one will ever rly understand what he goes through being cursed with immortality).
- I think he’d do everything in his power to not have a relationship like his parents, like not being codependent and neglectful of their kids, but I do think he’s chronically depressed from being cursed and that def is a big strain on his relationships.
- shipping aside I like to think kenny is the chillest of the main 4 but also I love that he’s bffs with cartman more so than stan or kyle, which makes for an interesting dynamic cuz cartman is the most chaotic kid in the fucking world lmao. like “hey kinny wanna go set a grain silo on fire?? I saw this video about it online and it looked super fuckin kewl we gotta do it!!” and kenny just blinks and says “aight.” and then they both get charged with arson, spending the night in jail replaying the video they recorded and losing their giggleshit with each other
- eventually I would hope kenny would come to terms with his curse and make peace with himself about dying so many times. as soon as he does that tho, his mom dies and he doesn’t have a way to come back anymore so… he gets freed!! like maybe when he’s in his mid fourties. so then he can live a normal life after that and make every second count cuz he knows he’s not getting another one, and that makes him happier than he’s ever been

• I kinda implied this in one of my fics but kyle is adamantly anti-PDA when they start dating. but cartman is a persistent bastard and wears him down with little kisses that turn into make out sessions, and hand holding that turns into groping that turns into getting each other off in the bathroom asdfjklalkdf sooo…eventually kyle stops caring and they become the most touchy feely couple ever
• in terms of love languages, cartman is a gift giver, kyle is a quality time/acts of service person, and they both love physical touch and words of affirmation
• they probs break up and get back together in giant dramatic fights several times, esp at the start of dating, but these two always come back to each other eventually. they’re too down bad to break up forever after they’ve gotten a taste of that forbidden fruit of what it’s like dating each other
• as soon as they start dating, they both realize deep in their subconscious brains that this is it for both of them. like it’s a thought pretty buried in denial, but they both are like “holy shit I have never felt this way before in my life. either I am going to marry this fucking loser, or I am killing him and then myself”

OOF I AM SO SORRY THIS REPLY IS SO LATE FORGIVE MEEEE (I had to figure out how to turn on notifs for retrospring)

the series is not finished! I plan on eventually making more parts for it that resolve the conflict between stan and kyle, and also some parts that go more into kyle and cartman's relationship struggles. also omg how can u read my mind OF COURSE stan is mad cuz he has a giant fucking crush on kyle!! though his repressed ass does NOT recognize it as a crush, all he knows is "hmm I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see kyle and cartman together that makes me want to scream and tear my hair out. it must be because cartman's a bad person. nope, I'm not feeling any romantic envy at aaaaaall" lmao. it's ok tho, stan loves kyle enough to let him go....eventually. for now he shall remain a grumpy pants

hmmm ok lemme think… I’m gonna stick with the main 4 to keep it simple
most fuckable is cartman. like you SAW how much he fuckin RAVISHED his wife that man fucks on the daily and then some for suuuuure. he’d treat me right
runner up is kenny. he’s rocking that awesome beard and dad bod and hawaiian shirts out there living his best life before he died. he looks like he’d be adventurous and overall p great in bed. kenny could get it
third is stan. he’s a sad schlub of a man and is probs too depressed to be all that enthusiastic in bed but he looks like he’d give good head and be appreciative to his partner for keeping the loneliness away for a while
least fuckable I am sorry to say is kyle…. don’t get me wrong, I think he aged the most gracefully out of the 4 but he’s so fucking bitter and resentful about everything in pc, arguably more than stan, plus he canonically gets No Bitches and has very little experience so…. idk, I feel like he’d be too caught up in his own thoughts to be present during sex and you’d probs spend a good 20 mins trying to show him how you like getting head before giving up and breaking out a vibe. sorry kyle :(

im gonna steal some headcanons from myself that I posted on tumblr a while back. these are some numbknee Deep Cuts (tm)
- cartman is THE most doting boyfriend on earth, period. like once he and kyle get together, he is OBNOXIOUSLY affectionate. ridiculous pet names, outlandish PDA, copious romantic gifts, you name it. he puts his whole dang pussy into showing kyle (and the world) how much he loves him, and kyle (secretly loves) HATES it
- kyle on the other hand is very much a "show don't tell" kind of person, with his main love languages being quality time and physical touch (with the latter preferred 90% of the time in private hence the annoyance with PDA. he does get caught up in it sometimes tho when cartman eggs him on and finds himself in angry public make-out sessions more often than he’d like to admit)
- after they get together kyle still calls cartman by his surname out of habit, but he slowly eases into calling him eric in private and eventually does it the time (but still calls him ‘cartman’ when he’s particularly pissed off lol)
- cartman LOVES it when kyle lets him do his hair if they’re going out to a party or something. kyle’s decent enough at styling it himself but he gets lazy/annoyed with it sometimes, plus cartman’s got that special artistic touch that really makes his curls POPPIN
- cartman is a shameless pillow princess but can also be surprisingly giving in bed (esp because he gets off on getting reactions out of kyle and making him squirm). for example cartman is like.... scarily good at giving head
- kyle is surprised when he realizes how much he enjoys post-coital cuddling/doing aftercare shit and often gets more fulfillment out of that than the actual sex part. cartman of course also LOVES being doted upon
- this one might be a bit obvious but cartman can dirty talk as easily as breathing. it kinda puts kyle off at first cuz he doesn’t have a clue how to do it back until he realizes dirty talk doesn’t have to be that corny ridiculous bs you hear in porn all the time. he keeps it honest and doesn’t force it, so what comes out of his mouth is pure, straight-from-the-id horniness and cartman eats that shit up like candy 
- if/when they get married, cartman gives him the cheesiest fuckin vows ever but they’re so stupid and genuine and loving that it makes kyle angry-happy-cry on the altar and they end up fucking in the bathroom immediately after the ceremony’s over lolololol