Probably, yes. I'm sure that as it was happening I was convinced I liked them very much, though.

But looking back, some of those relationships were so bad, and the connection we had was very flimsy. So it's hard for me to believe I was really as into it as I thought I was. Like the person I was with when I was 18-21, she treated me terribly, we fought all the time. Our relationship was awful. And when it ended, and especially why it ended (because I came out), it was so utterly devastating to me that I just really didn't want to be alive anymore. I mean, there were a number of heartbreaking things happening at that time, like my actual human father saying what amounted to 'I'd rather you died', basically. But I still focused more on the "loss" of that relationship. And that's really mind-boggling to me now.

I have a really low self-esteem, and it used to be even lower. My brain is always, "people don't like me and I don't blame them. I have no 'value', I'm dysfunctional, who could stand my company?" and so on. I never think, "this isn't good enough for me." Because I think everything is better than I "deserve."

So I think it's probably impossible that I didn't pursue and stay in relationships that weren't actually good, or enjoyable, thinking some version of, "this may not be perfect, but it is way better than I could have imagined!! -eyes fall out of my face and roll across the floor-"

And it's not even that I couldn't or can't be alone. It's that I couldn't or can't reject someone.

You know, that kinda thing.